Friends, family, versus coworkers

Something we all need to learn as adults is how to maintain different relationships. I have struggled a lot with finding the line between honesty and privacy (but I am autistic so might be just me). A lot of the things I struggled with were understanding the normative ways of interaction.

I am going to help explain things from my perspective, as a severely neurodivergent Gen Z, and I hope even for the neurotypical reader it will help you better understand the social structures at play when you go out and talk to people. (I could do a whole book on this.)

I fear my secrets to interaction are all inspired by the characters Sheldon Cooper from Big Bang Theory and Lorelai Gilmore from Gilmore Girls. This means everything I am about to tell you is very autism/neurodivergent friendly, but some people may think you are being blunt.

I like explaining the science behind human interactions with social exchange theory. This is essentially the concept that in every interaction we can evaluate the cost and benefits. The cost would be the energy exerted plus maybe the discomfort you felt. The benefits of social interactions can be friendship, joy, or comfort.

I know it sounds cynical to think in this kind of way, considering if a friendship costs more than it benefits you sounds cold and potentially psychotic. However, we all need to learn our limits. And sometimes relationships benefit us only in certain settings.

Let’s break down the basic relationship formats. These are the very basic relationship flavors if you will.

First up we have familial, this is its own category because we all know the family dynamics are insane. Whether they are by blood, marriage, or upbringing, our family members can be difficult and hard to replace. Most people are more willing to put up with hurtful comments from a family member than anyone else because we are taught that family is the most important thing.

This is not to say that families cannot be loving or supportive, just that we often are less likely to enforce boundaries within them. We can of course enforce boundaries and choose to distance ourselves, but it feels harder when it is family.

Platonic relationships are next. Fun history fact, Platonic was originally the way of saying you were not sexually involved with your teachers cause back in ancient Greece most people slept with their teachers and Plato thought that was really not okay. Now it means a person you are friendly or even close with but there is no sexual interactions, your relationship is platonic if you decide to imitate Plato and not have sex with each other. Platonic relationships can be intimate, with cuddling and hugs or whatever else brings you comfort, but the line is drawn on certain activities.

Then there are R-rated relationships and while I don’t want to explain the basics of sex to you (that is what the early 2000’s version of the American Girl Doll book My Body and Me is for), I do think it is important I clarify this as a type of relationship all on its own. You can be friendly, love each other, or even hate each other and maintain an R-rated relationship.

As long as everyone is a CONSENTING ADULT then it is not my business. (Teenagers are a complicated topic, just not with someone older than you okay?) I do encourage you to be smart humans, stay safe, and pay attention because often these are the relationships that can end badly for both of you.

Consent is the most crucial part of this kind of relationship. If you don’t want to have sex, then don’t have sex. No is a full sentence and if someone doesn’t respect that, get some authorities involved (cops, parents, pick your poison). You may even find you don’t want sex ever, this is something called asexuality and it is a spectrum of varying levels of disinterest in sex.

Romantic relationships are usually the combination of platonic and sexual interaction. Although you can be romantic without sex involved, romance does come with an expectation of explicit physical intimacy. There are of course ways you have romantic relationships without sex, romance can always exist without sex. I have found we are taught more rules about romantic relationships than any other kind.

Often we are taught that a romantic relationship is supposed to be our goal in life (I disagree) and that there is only one person made for us (poppycock). Most people are taught that romance is a means to an end to find a life partner and establishing their own family, think Disney movies where the happy ending is when the prince and princess get together. This means that if you are in a romantic relationship, it is assumed you are planning your future with that person.

The other societal expectations of romance are exclusivity, honesty, and some codependence that borders on unhealthy. As always, those things are mostly optional (please don’t skip honesty it is important). I think people need to try setting romantic relationships up similarly to how they do friendships.

Your romantic partner(s) can make your life so much better, but you can’t make them your entire life without getting into an unhealthy pattern. The risk of being manipulated is higher in romantic relationships, so keep an eye out for people trying to isolate you from your friends or family. Make sure your romantic partners meet your friends so you have an outside opinion on the dynamic.

Last but sometimes most vital, are professional relationships. A professional relationship can be friendly and even close to platonic but distinguishing them as professional first is helpful. We all need a friendly face when we go into work but letting that shift into everyday settings does not always work.

In fact, let me explain a few things that can happen if you take a professional friendship into the platonic real life friendship world. The worst outcome is that the person you are still working with starts sharing private details of your life at work and it gets you fired.

Even if you don’t have anything embarrassing, people can get fired for political views or living situations. If you avoid the firing initially, your private life may be judged and cause tension between you and other coworkers.

While I think someone choosing to be a vegetarian is cool (this is an example calm down), what if you work somewhere where everyone goes hunting and loves steak? Now things can be uncomfortable for you.

Now befriending a coworker can be a survival tactic in a weird workplace or menial labor position, I am all for having work friends. But rarely do I offer to take those friendships into the rest of my life. The best-case scenario is you and this work friend click so well that they become an important part of your life. I have done this, still have these people in my life even though we no longer work together. I was careful what I shared about my personal life until I knew they wouldn’t betray my trust.

Differentiating different kinds of relationships is why I introduced you to social exchange theory, remember how I mentioned that some interactions are only beneficial in certain situations? This is why.

I personally love the model introduced in Big Bang Theory, the zones of privacy. I know this sounds nerdy but listen to me. This idea came when Sheldon Cooper was trying to figure out when and where to talk about certain topics.

For context on how I use this, I should admit that I am very open with strangers about my health issues (of which there are many) and my political views (because buying tomatoes is a political action now). I don’t like pleasantly neutral responses so instead my ‘zones of privacy’ are about rather specific topics.

My innermost circle is my closest friends, of which I have maybe 6? They all have the highest clearance to my personal thoughts (even when they don’t want to). I highly encourage a life where there is more than 1 person in your highest zone of privacy because it puts pressure on a relationship if they are your everything. So, I have 6 best friends (2 are my siblings).

My second highest clearance rating is given to my parents, doctors (for the health issues I have) and some friends who I see occasionally but not every day.

Then we get to the zone I think of as the ‘work clearance’. I am honest with coworkers about my health and limitations for the sake of working well together, but I don’t really tell them what book I am reading or how I felt about the latest marvel movie unless they ask first. I also try not to talk about politics unless it comes up but more on that later. Essentially, I am honest but only when they ask or bring it up or if it is relevant to the situation. I do have some rules on what topics are totally off limits (my lack of a love life and information about my friends are the main two).

I am not the authority on healthy workplace banter because I have had a lot of managers greatly dislike me in the past (I know my legal rights and use them much to everyone’s frustration). Sometimes people are overly friendly with me even if I am uncomfortable or just not capable of reciprocating. I have yet to find a polite way to say “thanks but I would actually like a less intimate relationship with you” so instead I try being a silent participant.

Let me give you an example, I spent an entire summer as a preschool teacher (I like kids better than adults). All of the other teachers worked full time there year round while I was a temporary hire for 2 months pulling 40+ hour weeks. It became the only place I socialized or talked to anyone, and all my coworkers loved to gossip.

Gossip is not innately harmful. In a preschool setting, gossip can make things run smoother since we were all shifting kids around for the new school year, we had to talk about their habits, what soothed them, and if they had a biting problem (biters were a serious issue). Of course, we had a mix of helpful and unhelpful gossip going on and I was the new kid in the building.

It is hard to differentiate between helpful and unhelpful gossip, but I think that is the nature of gossip. While you can’t control anyone else, maybe try to only share information as a warning or to provide awareness. Most unhelpful gossip stems from the idea that the information is entertainment.

I just listened. I rarely added on my own things, or I would repeat something that they had already said. While everyone felt like I was a good listener and I had the information I needed, no one had much gossip on me unless it was information I was happy to share.

This also works when you are just having a low energy day, just nod and smile and let people think you are listening. It is a sometimes rude tactic, but the alternatives are to outright say “hey I don’t want to be your friend.” We all know that is not a good plan. (Right?)

Finally, strangers and extended family. Some of my extended family are close enough that they go into the second level of clearance, but for the most part my extended family lives in a state of polite congenial nonsense when it comes to me.

This means my zones of privacy look more like this.

And there are exceptions to everything I just said because life is hard and people change. I don’t mind when I lose friends anymore, because I have accepted that the time we had was great and maybe letting it end now saves us both some uncomfortable or even painful things.

I also do this thing that is rather strange (and works beautifully) where I am upfront about what I offer in a friendship or even work relationship. All I have to do is write it down in legal terms and I am practically writing friendship contracts like Sheldon Cooper. Everyone who is in my highest zone of privacy has had a conversation with me where I have said something along these lines:

“So, I am autistic and will talk a lot. I believe in upfront honesty if we are close friends, polite lies are reserved for acquaintances and coworkers. If you feel uncomfortable with my opinions, that is fine, but we probably won’t be best friends. I just don’t want to mask or filter my speech if I am with close friends. I am also chronically ill, so I am going to have lots of questions if you want me to go somewhere with you or hang out.”

Doing this talk is not for everyone. Some people forget it, others come back and realize they don’t love how I interact and communicate. It hurt at first to be rejected after the fact, but I have grown to call that the renegotiation stage.

Usually, I reiterate how I act and the reasons for it, then I encourage them to distance themselves if for any reason it is uncomfortable for them. But if they ask me to alter my communication simply because they don’t love it, I review their reasons, discuss it with others to see if this is an action that bothers more than one person, and if it is an isolated reaction I offer a less intimate friendship instead. Like a less expensive subscription to my nonsense.

I know I am not for everyone, and that is fine with me. But I save myself a lot of pain by outright discussing this with people very early into our friendships.

The nature of life is change (shhh just listen), and while it hurts and we miss the past, I think being open to change helps. I am open to my friendships evolving, whether that means we grow closer or further. That sounds sappy and I apologize.

Onto family, because we need to discuss them separately. As an adult, you are now somewhat responsible for maintaining relationships with your families. If you have been online ever, you probably know that a lot of millennials and Gen Z are intentionally cutting off their parents. This is only done by the children, not the parents.

The idea is that if you are still hurt and struggling in their presence, you have tried talking about it and tried distancing yourself somewhat, then you choose to cut them off fully so you can heal. We can’t heal if the wounds are constantly being reopened.

If this feels like it is hitting close to home, like there are wounds being reopened by family, start with some distance not a full ghosting routine. Call less often, tell them less about your personal life, and find yourself a therapist. Only attempt the discussion of what is wrong after you have a therapist, you will need professional support.

Some of the problems can be misunderstandings, differences in cultural understandings (different ages are different cultures), or maybe there is something you don’t know. It is the responsibility of the parents to repair, to try and compromise because even if the offspring are now adults, there was a significant power imbalance between you for so long that it will never fade fully.

If after all of that you still can’t handle interactions with your parents, I am so sorry. I wish I could fix it for you. I hope you are safe and loved.

For those of you who do maintain relationships with parents (I am one of you), that relationship will shift as you move out. I still maintain that it is the parent’s responsibility to take on more in that relationship, because for 18 years they were in a position of absolute power over you even in the best circumstances. But don’t be afraid to reach out to your parents either. Just call them or send silly thoughts throughout the week. Or send them letters, it’s up to you.

Don’t avoid extended family just because they feel like strangers but do put boundaries in place if they disrespect your identity or views. That is all I have to say on extended family. I am unapologetic with mine about being queer, being in pain, being a vegetarian, and being autistic.

Now for all the introverts, I know sometimes social interactions as simple as saying hello can feel like a ridiculous practice, but we must push ourselves to be slightly uncomfortable sometimes. I would live in a cave and only talk to people via letter if I could, but even the most introverted of us still needs people and social interactions to stay sane.

We all benefit from social discomfort, somewhat. Maybe not like “I fear for my life and my rights” discomfort but a little bit of “this is strange and new” nerves help you grow as a person. So go on that first date, talk to the cute person at the coffee shop, and let your friends drag you out to a party.

No matter what the relationship type, you are free to set boundaries and be upfront about what you can offer. Be yourselves as much as you can, because it sucks to pretend.